Beyonce Fans And The Art Of A Public Flogging
originally published in 2022
Beyoncé's cult-like fans have made it clear that Beyonce is the most outstanding black female performer of the age"; and we all must accept that Beyonce be continuously awarded and rewarded with Grammys. A) because Beyonce is a great performer. and B) these Grammys will compensate all previously victimised brown women for every crime perpetuated against them since the Ptolemaic period in the fourth century when, you know, enslaved black women were not credited for building the pyramids.
Can any rational person comprehend why any poor woman in Nigeria, Kenya, Congo, Cambodia, Mexico and Brazil should regard Beyonce, one of the wealthiest, most privileged women on the planet, to be positioned by hyperbolic liberal American critics as the living symbol of their struggles, excellence and achievement?
The acolytes would have us understand that when a brown American succeeds, all the unresolved ills of the earth's entire brown populace are brushed away; if a famous judge on The Voice spins their chair around for a brown American dreamer, then it follows that in millions of shanty buildings across Africa, Mexico and Brazil, no restructuring of grotesque levels of household debt for the poor is required. Reformist-capitalist policies that focus on strategies to assist the poor in lifting themselves out of poverty - such as safe mico-loans, large-scale vocational training, massive investment in rural economic development and innovative community business opportunities through climate management opportunities be damned! Another Grammy for Beyonce and her other brown, predominantly American stars fixes everything.
Beyonce has won more Grammys than any other artist who has lived or will probably ever live. And yet, her mad fans would have it that she's been short-changed because she has never - my heart is beating out of control! - won the best album award! Beyonce's life and the sleep of her many followers will only be set right when Beyonce wins this particular award. The Best Album award is her right to win every time she is nominated for the ultimate prize! Only when Beyonce clasps this great prize to her body will her work be validated, and all the past wrongs against her be addressed and corrected!
This is the same myopic, belly-gazing insanity that argues for millions of African Americans to receive billions of dollars as reparation for crimes committed against their great, great grandparents. Forget practical solutions such as educational grants or wide-ranging health insurance coverage; only top-range BMWs, massive beach houses and condos will do. Like the Grammy, money is everything in the land of the American dream. Forget the brown women who have won the ultimate award before Beyonce; the talents of these previous winners, their stories, and their hard work, all meaningless, all suspect, until Queen B wins.
A black woman must hold all the Grammys to make up for the suffering of all African-American women who were ever forced to walk on American soil.
Beyonce's unending musical reparation restitution should ensure she cleans out every category: Best Album. Best Song. Best Dance record. Best Folk record. Best Microphone holding. Best Side-eye – anything and everything, all at once, everywhere! In the future, all the awards shows should be restructured. The main categories – Soul, RNB, Modern and Dance – and their increasingly bizarre subcategories will remain. However, only Beyonce will be nominated for them. Beyonce will stand alone on stage beneath a fixed spotlight. Not-so-famous, not-so-talented folks like Barrack and Michelle Obama will host the event and hand over various statues and trophies to her.
Those who have offended Beyonce fans by daring to express their musical gifts and having the territory to win a Grammy that by rights belonged to their risen High Priestess Of The Downtrodden and Unacknowled - step forward (or not) the lowly, shameless racist criminals Taylor Swift, Harry Styles and the traitorous Kerri Hilton - will be hectored and bullied online until they drag their broken shells onto the sacred MTV auditorium and kneel before the sequin-glittering avatar of the wronged, and humbly admit before the entire globally assembled, thought-whipped TV audience that they are not worthy, even though Beyonce' will never acknowledge their presence, let alone their apology because these criminals are simply not on her level, and thus not deserving of her disdain.
From now on, whenever the next award ceremony comes along, everyone attending, watching, listening to, or discussing the event should sit back, shut up and happily consent to our musical tastes being dictated to us by a loud and increasingly deranged minority.
We must all accept the blindingly obvious truth - that Beyonce's fans know what is best for her, them, and the rest of us.
Ugh!